When insults had class...

[vicki]

A list emailed to me, for your guffawing pleasure:

When Insults Had Class

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
–Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
–Clarence Darrow"
He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
–William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
—Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
–Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
–Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
–Oscar Wilde"
I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one."
–George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one."
–Winston Churchill's response to George Bernard Shaw
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
–Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
–John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
–Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."
–Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
–Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
–Walter Kerr
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
–Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
–Mae West
"Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!"
–Lady Astor to Winston Churchill at a dinner party
"Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"
–Winston Churchill's response to Lady Astor
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
—Moses Hadas
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
—Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
—Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
—Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
—James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
—Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
—Forrest Tucker
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any one I know."
—Abraham Lincoln
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts — for support rather than illumination."
—Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music (the attribution is missing here)

[jtb1951]

I've heard several of the classic insults here before, and especially remember the Churchill ones; It just goes to show that wit and insults make great bedfellows, who needs profanity!! And being from the Land of Lincoln, I love Abe's quote (and he had many more!)

John.

[jtb1951]

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.
-- Dorothy Parker on Katharine Hepburn

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
-- Groucho Marx

Her virtue was that she said what she thought, her vice that what she thought didn't amount to much.
-- Peter Ustinov

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
-- Woody Allen

I heard his library burned down and both books were destroyed -- and one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.
-- Robertson Davies

He has all the characteristics of a dog --- except loyalty.
-- Sam Houston

If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.
-- Scott Adams

[jtb1951]

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?
-- Fred Allen

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
-- David Letterman

She is the original good time that was had by all.
-- Bette Davis

It is guaranteed to put all teeth on edge, including George Washington's, wherever they might be.
-- Vincent Canby

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgive me for putting two such words together.
-- Charles Dickens

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.
-- W. S. Gilbert

You must come again when you have less time.
-- Walter Sickert

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means put down.
-- Bob Newhart

Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.
-- Lyndon Baines Johnson

Who picks your clothes -- Stevie Wonder?
-- Don Rickles

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
-- Winston Churchill

[vicki]

Okay, those are just hilarious. In particular, the Davies and Newhart comments made me laugh out loud. And I'd be remiss if I didn't post one of my favorite sites here:

The Shakespearean Insulter (http://www.pangloss.com/seidel/Shaker/index.html?)

What the bard's insults lack in subtlety and understatement, they make up for in gusto and imagery. :)

[AmyLizzie]

Ha! Very good, language just isn't what it used to be is it? :) I'm a big fan of a British sitcom called Only fools and horses, here are some quotes from that (could be just a British humour thing, if so I apologise!)

Del comments on Grandad's cooking

Del: Tough? Tough? It's the toughest chcicken I've ever known. It's asked me for a fight in the car park twice!


Del is trying to sell Christmas trees to the local vicar

Vicar: I have become dismayed, even shocked by the attitude of youth - but today you walked into this church and offered us this tree simply because you care. You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?

Del doesn't want to hear Uncle Albert's war stories.

Albert: During the...
Del: If you say during the war, I'll pour this cup of tea over your head!
Albert I wasn't going to say during the war!
Del: Alright then.
Albert: Bloody little know all!
Del: Sorry
Albert: That's alright. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...

Hehe .....:):)

[AmyLizzie]

A few more Only fools and horses quotes, not exactly up to the standard of your previous quotes but they make me laugh...:)

Raquel: Hello Boycie. I suppose I've got to ask you in?
Boycie: Yes. I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low.

Raquel: You should have more respect.
Mike: Those women went through the war for us.
Boycie: Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of 'em.


Del Boy: There's no point in running away. Running away only wears out your shoes.

Rodney: [after he and Mickey Pearce have bought a heap of broken lawnmower engines] Oi, you! This stuff is a load of rubbish!
Del Boy: I know. I did try to warn you.
Rodney: Well... yeah... but I thought ...
Del Boy: Yeah, well, the trouble with you, Rodney, is that you will insist on thinking!

Rodney: If there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me.

Del Boy: [Rodney is looking for crimes to report at the tenants' meeting] Well, why don't you tell them what happened to poor Rita Alldridge then?
Rodney: Yes! Good idea! What happened to Rita Alldridge then?
Del Boy: Last Friday night she was indecently assaulted over by the adventure playground.
Rodney: No! Did she report it?
Del Boy: Yeah, I saw her this morning, she'd just been down the police station.
Rodney: Right. There you are, you see; that's exactly the sort of thing... hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Del Boy: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced

Working class humour is a terrible thing...:D I'll stop now I promise xxx

[vicki]

You have rekindled my faith in the human race. It's not nicked is it?



Albert: That's alright. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...



Bwahahahahaha! Those are a riot!

hang on a minute, if this happened on Friday night, how come it's taken her 'til Wednesday to report it?
Del Boy: Because she didn't know she'd been indecently assaulted until this morning when the bloke's cheque bounced


This also made me LOL, and so did the "running away only wears out your shoes" gag. This brings to mind my current British comedy deficit. Must check some dvds out of the library or catch some UK shows on tv soon.

[Kiyomi]

These are all great! Keep them coming! Have any of you seen 'Chicago' these post remind a song in it that is about people not having 'class' anymore :D

[jtb1951]

Yes, indeed! The song was called "Class"; in the movie version sung by Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah. A terrific movie; a terrific stage play!

John.

[Kiyomi]

Yes, indeed! The song was called "Class"; in the movie version sung by Catherine Zeta-Jones and Queen Latifah. A terrific movie; a terrific stage play!

John.

It's one of my favorite plays! I saw the national tour a few years before the movie version came out and absolutely loved it!

[jtb1951]

We really enjoyed it! We took our daughters to see it (in Chicago, of course!) several years ago and a great time was had by all!!

John.